Dicky Lyons Hitman Extraordinaire

With their 3rd loss of the season, the Kentucky Wildcats seem to be out of the case; however, they can still take pride in the win over future national champs LSU and this hit...

David Carr's Post of the Week

Dear Readers,
Man its been a slow week on the site. I think something is wrong. Anyway, I don't appreciate you guys giving me that nickname. I'm not a fag (see photo). My back is killing me. So I've been watching YouTube all week instead of practicing. I'm gonna be pissed if Fox starts the corpse known as Vinny Testeverde over me. Whatever, who cares about football? Here are some funny videos I wanted to share.
Peace,
Dave Carr

Sexual Harrassment

Just watch the clip.

Torre Press Conference Sets New Mark

In rare 5th Degree Burn baseball news, Joe Torre, New York Yankees soon-to-be ex-manager, set a new much heralded record in his press conference before Game 3 Sunday at Yankee Stadium. In a local Bronx barbershop Jose Pena allegedly exclaimed, "Damn, look at that 7-head!" This comment broke Pena's former mark of 6-head set in a viewing of the 3rd cycle of America's Next Top Model at the barbershop. The former record holder Tyra Banks was not available for comment; however, a message on her blog claim that she was "honored to of held the record" and added "I'm happy for Joe." How gracious of Tyra. 5th Degree Burn interviewed Pena who said, "Have you seen that forehead? It's almost at 8-head level. He's also on the verge of taking Adrien Brody's nose mark." Torre release the following message, "It's a sad day as one of my last as a Yankee. This record really lessens the pain. I can't wait to move on in my career in baseball and in enormous facial features. Adrien Brody is definitely in my sight."

NFL Player Causes Chaos In Hollywood

Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Michael Clayton has sued Hollywood movie studio Warner Brothers for using his name as the title of their new blockbuster movie starring George Clooney. The suit claims that Warner Brothers used Clayton's name as a marketing tool to greater increase its viewership. When reached by 5th Degree Burn for comment, Clayton gave the following statement through his lawyer, "Michael Clayton is a known name in the NFL. Maybe, I flaked out after a good rookie year but I still have a huge following on the 'net. That's a solid fan base who probably think that this is a movie about my life or something. I am entitled to some royalties for this, I don't care what anyone says."

The lawsuit will not effect the release of Michael Clayton; however, chaos has ensued in Hollywood and many studios have begun to shut down movie production for other movies also sharing their names with NFL players. Jericho Cotchery, another Warner Brothers movie about a family with the last name Cotchery which takes place in the ancient city, was shut down Tuesday from the fear of another lawsuit. On the other hand, Olin Kreutz, a Dreamworks movie about a Polish jew during WWII, was not shut down on because the studio claimed, "It's Dreamworks and the movie is a about a jew, believe us we have a really good lawyer."

David Carr's Weekly Update

Dear 5th Degree Burn Readers,

I know you watched Sunday. So far I've played in 3 games and I now have 2 fourth quarter comeback wins. I've engineered two more wins than that loser Drew Brees has the whole season. Everyone keeps giving Kasay all the credit in the world for the win, what the hell? I lead both the drives in the 4th quarter and we scored 10 points to win by 3. I'm pretty pissed off about that now but I was excited about the win when it happened. As you can see from the picture, I was wearing the lucky white gloves (so far 2-0 in white and 0-1 in black) and I tried to kiss Kasay. We kind of forgot about the face masks. I kissed him later in the locker room though but I don't think anyone got a picture of that, thankfully. I'm trying to workout a poll for next week, but that bastard Rah keeps making other polls before me. What do you guys think about a new nickname for me? You have to have a clever nickname if you're the comback king of the league. Anyhow, I got to go to practice in a little but first I have to catch the last 10 minutes of Hair, somehow my wife found my favorite musical on DVD!!!

Peace,

David Carr

Source of Patriots Cheating Revealed

I don't know if most football fans remember a trip to Russia that Patriots owner Bob Kraft took in June of 2005. There was much hoopla about the trip because Putin "accidentally" kept Kraft's superbowl ring after trying it on in one of their meetings. 5th Degree Burn has uncovered some secret Patriots and Russian files that would link the two in the now infamous Beli-Cheat/SpyGate scandal. Apparently, this whole fiasco with the ring was merely a propaganda move by the two to shield our attention from the real question: What the heck is Bob Kraft doing in Russia? 5th Degree Burn has learned that the Patriots actually obtained sophisticated Russia spy technology to jam coach radio sideline signals and record audio of quarterback audibles and hard counts and used the pricing ring as collateral.

Initially, 5th Degree Burn did not believe the rumor; however, through further discovery we have uncovered what looks to be a perfect connection. After mulling through years of Patriots accounting books, we found the name Pikov N. Taekbek listed as being paid $800,000 for being a contracted IT expert. Then, 5th Degree Burn cross-referenced the name with Russian documents following the fall of communism in the country and they revealed the name Pikov N. Taekbek as a KGB "technology" expert. These facts seem like a little more than a coincedence to us.

Goodell Goes Suspension Crazy....Again

Everyone is aware of the current power trip of the head honcho at the NFL, Roger Goodell, and his suspensions of Chris Henry, Adam Jones, Tank Johnson, and Wade Wilson among others. On Wednesday, Yahoo sports reported that Commissioner Goodell has suspended free agent Tim Couch 6 games for admitting to using steriods. 5th Degree Burn asks, when will the former University of Kentucky standout serve his suspension? In an attempt to dig out the answer on this 5th Degree uncovered some more facts on the executive order to suspend Couch. While Goodell was suspending people who are not currently affiliated with the league he went ahead and suspended the following people:
1. Popeye the Sailorman for creating a competitive advantage by using spinach
2. Barry Bonds for obvious reasons
3. Scooter Libby for allegedly outing an ex-CIA agent
4. Mahmoud Ahmedinijad for "aiding a terrorist organization"
5. The Entire Norte Dame football team for sucking and disgracing the game
6. Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan for being sluts which is against the Player Conduct Policy
7. Senator Larry Craig for soliciting gay sex in an airport
8. Dane Cook for not being funny
9. Snoop Dogg for failure to adhere to the league's substance abuse policy
10. Pacman, the video game character, for being offiliated with Adam Jones

David Carr Weekly Update

Rather than file charges on David Carr and try to get a restraining order, 5th Degree Burn has decided to embrace his letters and turn them into a weekly column as a way to save money on lawyer fees:

"To Whom It May Concern:

I haven't been getting any reply emails or snail mail on this stuff but I'm happy you guys are posting these on the website. I feel like I'm the #1 pick again. All eyez are on me, as Tupac would say. How 'bout that game last week? I know we got destroyed but I moved into my rightful place as the starter on an underachieving team. I think I should make the move to running back. I mean look at the athlethicism I exhibited in that picture. 5 carries for 28 yards, I had more yards per carry than Larry Johnson this week. What can I say I'm a beast. You like the black gloves this week? It was a nice touch. I've decided that the black gloves are for starting and white are for backing up. It just makes more sense. I really don't have that much time to write letters any more, so this one has to be short, Coach Fox has me doing that stupid practice stuff. Everything he says goes in one ear and out they other. Anyway, its lunchtime and my wife packed me some PBJs in my Mickey Mouse lunch box. Catch you later.

Keepin' It Gangsta,

David Carr"

It's A Tie....again

For consecutive weeks now the weekly poll ended in a tie. According to 5th Degree Burn voters New England quarterback Tom Brady and Cincinnati quarterback Carson Palmer will share honors for having the biggest "thing" in the NFL(Brady still has the edge because he won last night's head-to-head match up). Upon hearing the news of this prestigious award Brady was quoted as saying "Carson Palmer????". Carson Palmer tells 5th Degree Burn ".... it's just an honor to be mentioned in the same sentence as Tom Brady." No one was more excited to hear this news than Tom Brady's girlfriend and mother of his second child, Bridgett Moynahan..."I've been playing with his 'thing' for a long time now and I'm glad he's finally getting the recognition he deserves...I've also played with Carson Palmer's 'thing' and it just isn't the same". Tom Brady showed off his thing to former Patriot receiver Deion Branch, as David Givens intently watches, after a touchdown catch in Super bowl 36(pictured above). Other players receiving votes include Joey Harrington, Rex Grossman, and Vince Young. This really demonstrates the type of readers we get here at 5th Degree Burn. These three quarterbacks have arguably the smallest "things" I've ever seen. Chicago Bear fans tell us that Rex Grossman has the smallest "thing" in the NFL and when he begins to run you can't even see it. Tennessee Titan fans say that Vince Young's "thing" has gotten bigger as the season progressed and is more visible as he runs. Tune in next week when 5th Degree Burn asks "Why do the Patriots Cheat?"