Dicky Lyons Hitman Extraordinaire

With their 3rd loss of the season, the Kentucky Wildcats seem to be out of the case; however, they can still take pride in the win over future national champs LSU and this hit...

David Carr's Post of the Week

Dear Readers,
Man its been a slow week on the site. I think something is wrong. Anyway, I don't appreciate you guys giving me that nickname. I'm not a fag (see photo). My back is killing me. So I've been watching YouTube all week instead of practicing. I'm gonna be pissed if Fox starts the corpse known as Vinny Testeverde over me. Whatever, who cares about football? Here are some funny videos I wanted to share.
Peace,
Dave Carr

Sexual Harrassment

Just watch the clip.

Torre Press Conference Sets New Mark

In rare 5th Degree Burn baseball news, Joe Torre, New York Yankees soon-to-be ex-manager, set a new much heralded record in his press conference before Game 3 Sunday at Yankee Stadium. In a local Bronx barbershop Jose Pena allegedly exclaimed, "Damn, look at that 7-head!" This comment broke Pena's former mark of 6-head set in a viewing of the 3rd cycle of America's Next Top Model at the barbershop. The former record holder Tyra Banks was not available for comment; however, a message on her blog claim that she was "honored to of held the record" and added "I'm happy for Joe." How gracious of Tyra. 5th Degree Burn interviewed Pena who said, "Have you seen that forehead? It's almost at 8-head level. He's also on the verge of taking Adrien Brody's nose mark." Torre release the following message, "It's a sad day as one of my last as a Yankee. This record really lessens the pain. I can't wait to move on in my career in baseball and in enormous facial features. Adrien Brody is definitely in my sight."

NFL Player Causes Chaos In Hollywood

Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Michael Clayton has sued Hollywood movie studio Warner Brothers for using his name as the title of their new blockbuster movie starring George Clooney. The suit claims that Warner Brothers used Clayton's name as a marketing tool to greater increase its viewership. When reached by 5th Degree Burn for comment, Clayton gave the following statement through his lawyer, "Michael Clayton is a known name in the NFL. Maybe, I flaked out after a good rookie year but I still have a huge following on the 'net. That's a solid fan base who probably think that this is a movie about my life or something. I am entitled to some royalties for this, I don't care what anyone says."

The lawsuit will not effect the release of Michael Clayton; however, chaos has ensued in Hollywood and many studios have begun to shut down movie production for other movies also sharing their names with NFL players. Jericho Cotchery, another Warner Brothers movie about a family with the last name Cotchery which takes place in the ancient city, was shut down Tuesday from the fear of another lawsuit. On the other hand, Olin Kreutz, a Dreamworks movie about a Polish jew during WWII, was not shut down on because the studio claimed, "It's Dreamworks and the movie is a about a jew, believe us we have a really good lawyer."

David Carr's Weekly Update

Dear 5th Degree Burn Readers,

I know you watched Sunday. So far I've played in 3 games and I now have 2 fourth quarter comeback wins. I've engineered two more wins than that loser Drew Brees has the whole season. Everyone keeps giving Kasay all the credit in the world for the win, what the hell? I lead both the drives in the 4th quarter and we scored 10 points to win by 3. I'm pretty pissed off about that now but I was excited about the win when it happened. As you can see from the picture, I was wearing the lucky white gloves (so far 2-0 in white and 0-1 in black) and I tried to kiss Kasay. We kind of forgot about the face masks. I kissed him later in the locker room though but I don't think anyone got a picture of that, thankfully. I'm trying to workout a poll for next week, but that bastard Rah keeps making other polls before me. What do you guys think about a new nickname for me? You have to have a clever nickname if you're the comback king of the league. Anyhow, I got to go to practice in a little but first I have to catch the last 10 minutes of Hair, somehow my wife found my favorite musical on DVD!!!

Peace,

David Carr

Source of Patriots Cheating Revealed

I don't know if most football fans remember a trip to Russia that Patriots owner Bob Kraft took in June of 2005. There was much hoopla about the trip because Putin "accidentally" kept Kraft's superbowl ring after trying it on in one of their meetings. 5th Degree Burn has uncovered some secret Patriots and Russian files that would link the two in the now infamous Beli-Cheat/SpyGate scandal. Apparently, this whole fiasco with the ring was merely a propaganda move by the two to shield our attention from the real question: What the heck is Bob Kraft doing in Russia? 5th Degree Burn has learned that the Patriots actually obtained sophisticated Russia spy technology to jam coach radio sideline signals and record audio of quarterback audibles and hard counts and used the pricing ring as collateral.

Initially, 5th Degree Burn did not believe the rumor; however, through further discovery we have uncovered what looks to be a perfect connection. After mulling through years of Patriots accounting books, we found the name Pikov N. Taekbek listed as being paid $800,000 for being a contracted IT expert. Then, 5th Degree Burn cross-referenced the name with Russian documents following the fall of communism in the country and they revealed the name Pikov N. Taekbek as a KGB "technology" expert. These facts seem like a little more than a coincedence to us.

Goodell Goes Suspension Crazy....Again

Everyone is aware of the current power trip of the head honcho at the NFL, Roger Goodell, and his suspensions of Chris Henry, Adam Jones, Tank Johnson, and Wade Wilson among others. On Wednesday, Yahoo sports reported that Commissioner Goodell has suspended free agent Tim Couch 6 games for admitting to using steriods. 5th Degree Burn asks, when will the former University of Kentucky standout serve his suspension? In an attempt to dig out the answer on this 5th Degree uncovered some more facts on the executive order to suspend Couch. While Goodell was suspending people who are not currently affiliated with the league he went ahead and suspended the following people:
1. Popeye the Sailorman for creating a competitive advantage by using spinach
2. Barry Bonds for obvious reasons
3. Scooter Libby for allegedly outing an ex-CIA agent
4. Mahmoud Ahmedinijad for "aiding a terrorist organization"
5. The Entire Norte Dame football team for sucking and disgracing the game
6. Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan for being sluts which is against the Player Conduct Policy
7. Senator Larry Craig for soliciting gay sex in an airport
8. Dane Cook for not being funny
9. Snoop Dogg for failure to adhere to the league's substance abuse policy
10. Pacman, the video game character, for being offiliated with Adam Jones

David Carr Weekly Update

Rather than file charges on David Carr and try to get a restraining order, 5th Degree Burn has decided to embrace his letters and turn them into a weekly column as a way to save money on lawyer fees:

"To Whom It May Concern:

I haven't been getting any reply emails or snail mail on this stuff but I'm happy you guys are posting these on the website. I feel like I'm the #1 pick again. All eyez are on me, as Tupac would say. How 'bout that game last week? I know we got destroyed but I moved into my rightful place as the starter on an underachieving team. I think I should make the move to running back. I mean look at the athlethicism I exhibited in that picture. 5 carries for 28 yards, I had more yards per carry than Larry Johnson this week. What can I say I'm a beast. You like the black gloves this week? It was a nice touch. I've decided that the black gloves are for starting and white are for backing up. It just makes more sense. I really don't have that much time to write letters any more, so this one has to be short, Coach Fox has me doing that stupid practice stuff. Everything he says goes in one ear and out they other. Anyway, its lunchtime and my wife packed me some PBJs in my Mickey Mouse lunch box. Catch you later.

Keepin' It Gangsta,

David Carr"

It's A Tie....again

For consecutive weeks now the weekly poll ended in a tie. According to 5th Degree Burn voters New England quarterback Tom Brady and Cincinnati quarterback Carson Palmer will share honors for having the biggest "thing" in the NFL(Brady still has the edge because he won last night's head-to-head match up). Upon hearing the news of this prestigious award Brady was quoted as saying "Carson Palmer????". Carson Palmer tells 5th Degree Burn ".... it's just an honor to be mentioned in the same sentence as Tom Brady." No one was more excited to hear this news than Tom Brady's girlfriend and mother of his second child, Bridgett Moynahan..."I've been playing with his 'thing' for a long time now and I'm glad he's finally getting the recognition he deserves...I've also played with Carson Palmer's 'thing' and it just isn't the same". Tom Brady showed off his thing to former Patriot receiver Deion Branch, as David Givens intently watches, after a touchdown catch in Super bowl 36(pictured above). Other players receiving votes include Joey Harrington, Rex Grossman, and Vince Young. This really demonstrates the type of readers we get here at 5th Degree Burn. These three quarterbacks have arguably the smallest "things" I've ever seen. Chicago Bear fans tell us that Rex Grossman has the smallest "thing" in the NFL and when he begins to run you can't even see it. Tennessee Titan fans say that Vince Young's "thing" has gotten bigger as the season progressed and is more visible as he runs. Tune in next week when 5th Degree Burn asks "Why do the Patriots Cheat?"

Kevin Everett Update

5th Degree Burn cannot confirm this source but News 12 Buffalo had this update on Kevin Everett's condition:

Bills Quaterback Goes Through Name Change

Sunday afternoon, Buffalo Bills quarterback J.P. Losman went down with what looked to be a season-ending knee injury. After an MRI on Monday, tests revealed it was merely a sprained knee and that Losman will only miss a couple games. Upon hearing the good news Losman allegedly has legally changed his name from Losman to Winman. "I'm really not proud of the losing culture here in Buffalo. I feel this has been brought on mainly by me and my last name. With the upswing of the good news on my injury, I feel it is time to turn the page in my career and the legacy of the Buffalo Bills," read Winman from a statement he prepared on Tuesday morning. 5th Degree Burn surveyed the Bills locker room with the question, "What made Losman change his name?" 95% of the players answered that "He went to jail and converted to Islam." When asked to comment on the effect his will have on his team, Head Coach Dick Jauron said, "I don't think it really means anything. It just sounds like he's a Jew now."

David Carr Strikes Again

David Carr stalks us. We received a copy of this letter at our Madison, Salt Lake City, and Mexico City offices:

"Dear 5th Degree Burn,
What the hell? You left me off the poll again. I have a huge 'thing'. You need to show me more respect. You saw how I came in the end of the game against Atlanta and won it for us. I was in there only a couple plays but that was me that handed it off for the game winning play. Me and DeShawn have great hand off chemistry and I really need the gloves to keep a good grip on it. These gloves are the best thing that have happened to me in years. Looks like I might start next week. Chalk up a win for the good guys. You better not leave me off the poll next week or I'll come after you. Bridezillas is on, I gotta go I love that show.
Carolina Comeback King,
David Carr"

It's a Tie!! - Rah

According to 5th Degree Burn's last poll Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo and Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach Herm Edwards both received 30% of the votes for the NFL's most homosexual. Others receiving votes were Peyton Manning, Rex Grossman, as well as Reggie Bush. Tune in next week when 5th Degree Burn asks "Which NFL Quarterback has the biggest 'Thing'?"

Notre Dame Groundskeeper Using New Techniques

Have you seen the grass at Notre Dame Stadium late? It's beautiful and plush to say the least. Lenny Perkins, the Head Groundskeeper at the stadium told 5th Degree Burn he gets asked hundreds of times a day, "How is your grass so thick and green?" Perkins merely replies, "Have you seen the team play lately?" What does this have to do with anything you might ask. Well Perkins let 5th Degree Burn in on the secret. The team is such crap they provide the fertilizer for the grass to bloom even in a summer when water has been limited due to midwestern draught. When given a draft of this article, as 5th Degree Burn does with all its subjects, Perkins commented, "Man, that's a hell of a picture. Not only is #40 trying to make a goaline tackle in that romp to make the team 0-4 but he's also helping the grass out."

Gaming Company Releases New Baseball Inspired Game

Milton Bradley, the board game company, has announced plans to release a new board game inspired by the frequent blow-ups in Major League Baseball and several minor leaguers and managers. When approached by 5th Degree Burn, Milton Bradley would not comment on the content of the game but offered the following statement, "With yesterday's blow-up by Milton Bradley and the recent record by for ejections by Bobby Cox, we feel that the time is right for us to announce this game which is still in development." The incident Milton Bradley commented on happened yesterday in San Diego. Padres outfielder and hot head Milton Bradley was unhappy with the first-base umpire and decided to let him know. While being held back by a coach Bradley slipped and tore his ACL. He will be out for the rest of the season for the Padres who are in the heat of a playoff race. 5th Degree Burn has obtained a private company document in which it states that the game will be called "Loose Canon: Getting Throw Out in More Ways Than One" and will consist of players being faced with certain bad calls and having to escalate the situation to be ejected for hitting certain "hot" topics. When asked to comment on the game Milton Bradley, the player, simply replied, "F*ck you."

Romo Continues to Deliver as Henry racks up 2 INT's/ TD - Lawnmower

The team from Big D whipped up on the franchise with the big-time D on Sunday night. By embarrassing the battered Bears, the Cowboys offered a powerful statement about which team could supplant the Super Bowl XLI runners-up as the NFC's representative in Arizona this season.

Oh, and Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo continued to deliver this loud and potentially lucrative message to owner Jerry Jones, as well: Time to quit dawdling, Jerry, and reward the fifth-year veteran with a long-term contract extension. Perhaps drawn down to the level of the pathetic Chicago offense in the first half, the high-powered Dallas attack sleepwalked through the opening 30 minutes, with eight penalties, a turnover and countless mental lapses that led to a 3-3 score at halftime. But once Romo and the Cowboys woke up, it was lights-out for the Bears. As Dallas took control of the game on both sides of the line of scrimmage, Romo began shredding the Chicago defense. He hit 13 of 18 passes for 189 yards and two touchdowns, in the process compiling a gaudy 146.5 passer rating for the half. For the game, he was 22-for-35 for 329 yards.

Upside: Dallas is 3-0 since the 1999, Owens has been exceptionally happy, and who ever though that Anthony Henry would be leading the league with an astonishing 4 interceptions and 1 Td in 3 games.

Downside: Flozel cost the Cowboys 3 penalties, his 7th of the year. This is not acceptable from a lineman who only had a total of 5 penalties in the 2006 season, J.Jones has been receiving to much playing time, and Marion Barber hasn't had a concussion or steroid problem, yet. Barber said "I used to bang my head against the wall because I had this rage in me. Now, I grew my hair out on purpose so when I come in contact with a defensive player, my helmet pop's off and they'll get all dreadlocks and a black forehead."


Coming soon Cowboys vs. Rams preview

Donnovan McNabb Comes Out of the Closet with a Bang - Rah

Donnovan McNabb celebrated his homosexual coming out this Sunday by making his team wear these horrendously bright colored jerseys(pictured right). The team was very reluctant to wear the jerseys at first, defensive end Jevon Kearse stated "I know McNabb's gay, but why do I have to look like damn fool?" The rest of the team had similar attitudes about the jersey's with the exception of wide receiver Kevin Curtis he tells 5th Degree Burn that he enjoyed them... "I like them, they feel so good against my body." There has been a lot of speculation about Curtis and McNabb ever since this off season acquirement came to the eagles. Not too long afterwards they were spotted at several gay bars in the city of brotherly love. If you ask me their 3 TD connection on Sunday was just disgusting to watch.

Mashhood Spotted

The question, "Wheres Mashhood"? or MASHHOOOD? This has finally been answered, we caught up with the h-town native in New York about 2 months ago, but now we have lost him again. At that time he was finding his shoes. His friend Bilal, sawal, was with him as well but was not captured in the photo above.

Next time you are with a friend, as them if they know where mashhood and his shoes are? We love this boy but my shoes where are you?

Update: No sign of Sawal, jamal.

David Carr Responds to 5th Degree Burn

5thdegreeburn.blogspot.com received an angry letter from David Carr in our Vancouver office yesterday. The letter read:
"Dear 5th Degree Burn,
Hi. This is David Carr, backup quarterback for the Carolina Panthers. I am very offended by my omission from this week's poll of most homosexual NFL player. Add this to the disrepect of not putting me on the top 10 list of things that look worse than Notre Dame and I'm pretty irrate. I don't want to have to mess my hair up and take my white gloves off, but believe me I will fly to Vancouver, Fort Collins, Des Moises, or any of your other offices to give you a piece of my mind. My status as a backup should not affect your judgement and leave me off those lists. At any rate, I'm a big fan. I would write more but I just bought Season 2 of Queer As Folk and I'm hooked.
Your BFF,
David Carr"